I have never thought the moment will come and I’ll be dreaming of settling down. Reducing the intensity of my trips, no rush to the airport, no fever to jump on the next flight, not speedy packing at the very last moment…I just surprisingly found I need a place called HOME.
Whole day long a refrain from my favorite Queen song is singing loud in my head: “I’m far away from home and I’ve been facing this alone for much too long”. Usually this refrain takes tears out of my eyes, but not today. The truth is, I have no idea where my home is. I own a property, but can I call it home?!
How many of you are 100% certain where their home is? I am not talking about a temporary accommodation, that covers your needs. I don’t mean the place you rented to just survive. It’s not about the country, you are stuck at the moment and have to deal somehow with the reality.
There is a cliche the home is where the heart is. What if I have not given my heart yet? Still beating right in my chest …well…nothing to do with home.
I know some friends who are somewhere, thrown away at the other edge of the world. I am kind of curious do they consider this place home? What about you? Please share your positive outcome, because I am a bit confused in regard to the home issue.
Today I realised I have been to more than 50 countries. Hey, it’s quite a lot! Only for the last seven months I visited about 12. I know some of you are envious. I might be looking as a careless adventurer, who spends money all over the world. I guess it sounds attractive to jump from Barbados to Sri Lanka, then from Rwanda through Cyprus, Italy, Spain to South Africa and to end up in the USA. You consider me probably lucky of being able to afford it. I guess some people wish to stand in my shoes and know what the feeling is.
Well…it’s not a hypocrisy if I confirm it’s a lonely lonely case. And that’s not the life I wish for myself. I am focused on the home search. A place to settle, to find myself, to be able to socialize, have fun, do something significant, love… I bought a property in Sofia, but it’s mostly an investment….when I am 90 year old, no one wants me, already peeing in my panties and cannot hear well …to have a place where I can go back and survive with no drama. But Sofia is not my home (apology to all my great friends there, who still hope I’ll be back forever). The truth is that I miss the heat, the desert, the atmosphere, some people, but not the life. For long time I was thinking the job will lead me to the place, which I’ll easily recognize as home. It did not work that way. I fell in love with Cape Town and almost was into the idea to live there. If not forever at least for some time, to call that city home …but I was not successful.
The ugly truth
So how to find a peaceful spot, where I’ll feel safe and at my place?! Now I am in New Jersey, the USA. Alienated people, hiding themselves in their houses, not communicating, being suspicious to their neighbors, speaking so many languages, but barely English, a confused nation of immigrants, who want to build their own home far from home. Do you know the Americans never smile at their daily life? I do not mean the sellers at the shops, who try to make you buy. I consider myself a smiling, open minded, positive person ….then how would I survive among the grumpy crowd, that non stop complains and can’t identify who they are or where are they coming from? The idea to build a home here, already started looking ridiculous.
I have an impression my home must be at a warm place. No winter, no cold, no snow, near sea or lake, simple life, smiling people….. close to this in Sri Lanka. And I don’t care about my so sophisticated CV, full of snobbish expectations. In the mid of August last year I thought all this confusion comes from the mid age crisis I was going through. But months later I still step at the same path.
So….the simple question was how to recognise my home place. A bit tired of flights, airports, planes, hotels and searches. I am hesitant if I am going to do some mistakes just hoping to find that home as soon as possible. But what is for sure – I won’t give up. That’s in my BUCKET LIST so one day it’s going to come true, like most of my travel dreams.